I’m not usually too personal on this blog, but for this I just can’t help myself.
So this isn’t verbatim exactly and probably won’t be the 5-7 minutes our conversation actually lasted but I think you’ll get the picture…
Me: Bakker’s Fine Drycleaning, this is Nellie.
Guy: Hi, do you do alterations?
Me: Well, we don’t do any fittings, but if you know the measurements or what you need done, then yeah, we can do it.
Guy: Okay well I don’t know what the measurements would be, but maybe you have some safety pins I can put in?
Me: Yeah that works.
Guy: I have these shorts. My girlfriend gave me three pairs for Christmas. And they’re actually underwear but they’re not stretchy, so they’re too tight. Because I’m big down there. It’s not the length that’s a problem, it’s the girth. They’re like sexy lingerie for guys so it’s supposed to fit when the guy is hard.
Me: (stifling giggles that the guy is actually describing how his underwear is supposed to fit his erection)
Guy: So what I’m thinking is that there’s some extra fabric in the seam that could be let out, but then if you let if out all the way, how am I supposed to know if they’d be too loose? Do you have a dressing room or restroom there were I could try them on? I’ve already tried to pin then myself but I just can’t do it. So I was looking for someone to help me with that, but I can’t get a guy to help me cause I couldn’t be hard in front of a guy.
Me: It’s our policy not to do any fitting. It’s not because of your garment, I wouldn’t be allowed to pin something even if it was by your ankle. We don’t want to take responsibility for any possible mis-measurements.
Guy: I understand, but you know I would sign a waiver saying I did it myself. When would be a good time to come in when you wouldn’t be busy? Around 5?
Me: 5’s actually my busiest time. I think you would be better off going somewhere with a tailor on-site who understands more about the sewing. With our tailor, we have to send the stuff out. I think it would have to be sent in to be let out, then come back and fit so they wouldn’t be too big and sewed again to fit. It sounds like it would be quite a process.
Guy: Nah, I think letting them out all the way would work. So earlier would be better? How will I know when I get there which person I talked to?
Me: Oh, I’m the only person working here today.
Guy: Oh. Well you know I’d be really grateful for your help. I am a good looking guy (about the third time he’s mentioned this) and I’ve done some escorting… so you know if no one else is in your store, we could exchange favors. Not to brag, but I am quite big.
Me: (finally breaking it to the dude that imagining seeing his big dick in sexy underwear hasn’t turned me on in the slightest, and also finally realizing THIS IS A PRANK) Well I’m not into guys. And this conversation is getting really weird. I have other work to do.
Guy: So you’ve had a girlfriend for a long time? You haven’t been with a guy in a while.
Me: Yeah something like that.
Guy: Well I am really big and if you haven’t done it with a guy in long time, it might feel really good.